Thursday, February 16, 2012

in the stars

It has been an incredibly rough week. Incredibly.

And that's probably due pretty much one hundred percent to this piano competition on Saturday.

Now, in general, I love performing. I love being the center of attention. I love piano. I love performing piano. But only when I know what I'm doing.

stairway to heaven - amen! <3
[via pintrest]
Not that I don't right now. It's just, I didn't know a month ago. So it's been hard. In fact, I've had nightmares. Actual honest-to-goodness nightmares about Bach's Invention No. 13 (which was a thorn in my side at age fourteen and I vowed I would never play it again. Ha.) and Chopin's Minute Waltz (which I know I will love once this competition is over and the pressure is off). Mornings when I woke up feeling like I'd dropped off a cliff and left my stomach up on top - sure that Saturday is going to be an epic fail.

My parents have been helpful....some. They tell me to practice, which, of course, is wise, but annoying to hear - if you know what I mean. My siblings have been...themselves. My teacher told me today that she was proud of me - probably the first encouraging word she's given me about those pieces. Ouch. My friends have been supportive - but many of them are practicing for the exact same thing, so we all just commiserate.

Today, honestly, was awful. My piano lesson went well, my teacher seems confident, but all that pent up worry and overwhelmedness and tiredness and ready-to-be-done-itis kicked in on the way home and I was SO glad my spanish teacher cancelled class today because I was about to lose it. At home, I just sat in the bathroom and cried for ten minutes, begged God to help me just to get through this weekend, washed my face, and flopped on my bed. I thought I should listen to my iPod, but he refused to work (poor Gavroche has never been the same since his washing) so I did Government instead. Then I took a nap. Then I did more Government.

And Mama came up and sat on my bed. I knew what was coming. So I helped her: "Would you feel better, Mama, if I went downstairs and practiced?"

So that's what I've done for the past thirty minutes, and now I'm blogging. It's kinda therapeutic. And now all I want to do is eat something sweet and buy new music off iTunes. I don't care what, just something I don't have :D

But I'll stop venting now. It felt nice to write away my frustration. Sorry you had to get an earful though....

---------------

A few positive things DID happen this week. It's looking more and more like I'll get to head to Central America this summer for at least a few weeks. Titiana and I auditioned for a production of The Sound of Music and everything went really well. (we'll get our parts by March 2nd.) I went and picked up our tickets for Oliver!. And I had a particularly interesting dream last night that actually made me think this morning when I woke up, and has had me thinking all day. It triggered some interesting thought processes, brought up some questions, and left me with this phrase [an actual quote from the dream]:
Starry starry night
[via pintrest]
"It's up there. My future. It's in the stars."

Strange, and thought-provoking. I have absolutely no idea what it means, and since I don't actually put any weight on dreams at all, it could mean nothing. =)

But I DO know that God is using, and has used, the stars to tell the entire story of salvation, as well as to announce the birth of His Son. And He knows what my whole life looks like, He can see how everything will work for His glory - even this nerve-wracking piano competition. It's actually comforting to know that He put every star in place - He made those glorious heavens. Every star has a name, and He knows each one.

Maybe there's a star with my name.

"When You Wish Upon A Star" jiminy cricket *hehe*

8 comments:

  1. Poor you. :( I'd probably do the same thing in your situation. I've been having a...kinda rough...week too. I feel like i have *so much* going on. And I can't keep up with it. Between school work, and swimming, and co-op, and sleep, and watching siblings, and church...and everything...I've been really stressed. So I can definitely relate. (and the weird thing is, I've been dreaming a lot lately too. and I normally sleep dreamlessly)
    But. I know you'll do awesome this weekend. And think on the bright side! This year you won't have the threat of your house burning down while you're playing your pieces! :) Hopefully I can watch you again. And if not, know I'll be praying! (even though I know you'll do amazing. :D)

    Love you lots!
    ~Vivi~

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  2. Awh, Jo, I'm so sorry!!!! I'll be praying for you on Saturday!!! I'm not trying to psych you out, I promise. But I went to S&E with a friend last Saturday and absolutely blew it. I, however, was only doing accompaniment, which was something I'd never done. I came out of that performance room and lost it. But...I realized that I did the best that I could and I am now at peace with it. Just do your best, and you'll do fine!!!! I'll be praying!!!

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  3. trip to central America? tell me more! :D

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  4. I'm sorry you're feeling all this pressure, Jo. Just remember "the aim and final end of all music should be the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul". That's what's keeping me going, because unlike you, I *always* dislike performing. I'll pray for you this weekend, and I ask you to do the same for me!
    "Glorify the Lord with me; together let us praise His name!"

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  5. Oh, Jo! My nervous breakdown was this morning. I don't even have an exciting excuse like you do. It's just new-baby-in-the-house and oldest-sister and senior-in-highschool stress. But we'll all make it, thanks to the Maker of the Stars. And yes, I think there's one named for you:
    "Sometimes I think of Abraham,
    how one star he saw had been lit for me.
    He was a stranger in this land,
    and I am that no less than he."
    ("Sometimes by Step", Rich Mullins)
    If it's any comfort, I heard the first-placer of last year's piano competition say he thought you would win this year. Now, who should I be rooting for?
    Love,
    The Fourteenth Assistant Kitchen Maid

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  6. Oh, so sorry your week has been that way, Jo. I've had weeks like that. :(

    Here's to hoping next week is better. :)

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  7. awww, I'm so sorry! I totally can relate- I auditioned on the flute for state district band 2 weeks ago, and missed it by five points... and I was playing on a junky flute. :( I'm sure you'll do AWESOME, though!

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