Saturday, March 9, 2013

"always do what you are afraid to do." - emerson.

i want to do big things. big things for God, big things for the world, big things for other people. i want to travel everywhere, do everything there is to do, meet everyone there is to meet, eat all the crazy exotic foods you read about in books and see on those travel television shows. i want to take pictures with all the famous landmarks and monuments and natural wonders of our world. i want to have a picturesque home somewhere and decorate it like a pinterest board. but i also want to live in a dirty, smelly hut and make do with nothing. i want to marry a man who's on fire for the Lord, and we will fight for the Kingdom together. i want to have a dozen children, all super intelligent and talented, and tell them all my stories, teach them about our savior, teach them to share their faith, take them around the world. i want to get muddy in the nile river, tell bible stories to groups of smiling brown faces, braid and bead hair in africa, sing praise songs in spanish in the jungle, breathe the smoggy air of beijing and shanghai, sing to orphan children in india. i want to be too hot, too cold, hungry, muddy, wet, tired, uncomfortable, and sick for the sake of the least of these. and i don't have to have anything holding me back.

i'm not there yet. not anywhere close. it's overwhelming thinking about it. and i know myself - would i even be ready? how could i serve adequately elsewhere when it's hard enough staying focused right now? how can i possibly expect to be entrusted with much when i'm failing with the little? the answer is i'm trying to do it on my own and it's not working. i'm trying to make myself into the christian i want to be, instead of relying on the power from above. and honestly, that's stupid. He is *so much greater* than I am - how could i even begin to think that i can do a better job than He can?

i don't know. maybe i'm afraid of what will happen if i let go of the reins - give Him total control. because yes, i am content. yes, i *want* to be where God wants me to be. but i am afraid of what i might lose. and i can't even think of what that would be - i don't know. i think it's time i spent more of my day on my knees, and less of it wasting precious moments with mindless activities.

i will not be afraid.

"...but of POWER and of LOVE and of a SOUND MIND."

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