Tuesday, January 17, 2017


(originally shared to Facebook, but I wanted it here too...even though I haven't even really posted about our wedding yet, life keeps rolling on, and experiences come in waves and this has been a doozy of a three and a half months.)

In my short life, I've found a handful of things that never fail to give me a thrill - like kisses from Josh...definitely up there. But one I more recently experienced is still so new to my world. Two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Our very first positive. Our very first baby. Our miracle. There's only one first time...and what a thrill. I took others in the days afterward, but nothing will ever rival that sweet and innocent shock of staring at those two lines for the very first time, just two months after our wedding and the week before Christmas. The wonder of knowing that our prayers were being answered, and we had a little one on the way.

A joyful, hopeful, emotional, overwhelming roller coaster of a month later, and I had another first experience. The deep grief of a mother upon learning her little one has gone ahead of her to Jesus. The mind numbing shock after what was shaping up to be a beautiful day, the helpless feeling as the bleeding increased, the ultrasound that confirmed my mama's fear, and the fast and furious labor the next night that left me exhausted, broken and empty.

From day one, we knew this baby would be a testimony, and we also knew he'd be a boy. Don't ask me how, I just knew. Now we won't truly know till heaven, but even before the miscarriage Jesus gave us a name from scripture (Jeremiah 1:5) for our baby. Little Jeremiah ("Yahweh has uplifted") Chayyim ("Life") only lived for seven weeks inside of me, but his life has forever changed ours.

Even in the hardest most excruciating moments in the past week, Jesus was there, present with us, entering our suffering and carrying the weight. As I dug my fingers into Josh's shoulder during contractions and grief, singing through the pain, I knew we would never be alone. No despair, no anger, no bitterness, just deep sadness over our loss, but even deeper PEACE.

Our anthem this week has been in the words of Matt Redman's "It Is Well".

"Weeping may come, remain for a night
but joy will paint the morning sky
You're there in the fast, You're there in the Feast
Your faithfulness will always shine
Now every blessing still to come let this be our song...
It is well, it is well with my soul
I trust your ways, I trust your name
It is well, it is well with my soul"

So we are grieving, our hearts ache, sometimes I cry for no reason, and Josh has to hold me twice as much as I readjust to being one person instead of two, but we have hope. Real living breathing hope. And we are walking out this season with a past-understanding peace and a trust in our hearts that we are being carried by a good, good Father. He is faithful.

- Jeremiah Chayyim - 
January 10, 2017

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