Tuesday, August 8, 2017

celebrating life, as early as possible

- NOTE: I wrote this post the week I found out I was pregnant with Daniella. For whatever reason, I decided NOT to share it, and I wish I had. But here it is, in it's entirety, a slice of my mama's heart from June 2017, celebrating the life of my daughter fearlessly from day one. - 

so, dear friends, this is a post that I've wanted to write for months, and had days where I felt like I'd be writing it soon, and other days when I wondered if it would ever be able to be.

it's been almost six months since our sweet Jeremiah went to be with Jesus. His due date is just around the corner, and instead of spending these blazing hot summer days being very pregnant and hiding in the air conditioning, I've been very capable of being a normal person and doing all kinds of activities....all the while being conflictedly trying to enjoy them and also deeply grieving the change of plans. 

As most of you know, this is has been a very very difficult season for me. I know not everyone feels this type of loss the same, but Jeremiah's life has been one of the most pivotal points in mine, and he's changed how I view pretty much everything and everyone I see.

For example, I will never see anyone's family the same again. Growing up conservative, where the unstated "gospel" can be the number of children you have seems to equal your depth of spirituality or trust in Jesus, it can be easy to miss the invisible pain of the woman with two children, or no children, who you might think has made that choice for her own selfish reasons, who may actually be longing for the family you have and can't. Or the couple with a beautiful rainbow family, heroes who foster or adopt - that we immediately respect (with good reason)...but whose own tribe is the redemptive fruit of years of loss or barrenness, grief and pain. Or the young couple who didn't get pregnant right after their wedding, who may or may not be "waiting" to have kids....you don't know their life, their dreams, their struggles. You don't. Rarely is anyone's story what it appears to be.

Also, I will never view my own children the same. I'm thankful and blessed to be a mama to over a dozen children who weren't born to me, who I don't see daily, who live all over the globe. My heart belongs to them, and not a day goes by that I don't think of them or pray for them or wonder what they're doing and who tucks them in at night. But my dream is to have children here, living with me, in my home - whether they're born from my body or not. But I never guessed my journey to having children from my own self would look like this....and instead assuming that I *would* give birth to children someday, now I hold that so loosely in my hand...and I will never take any precious baby given to us by birth for granted. Not that I would've before, but you know what I mean.

Which is why, dear friends, when Josh and I found out two weeks ago that we're expecting our rainbow baby, our first reaction was pure excitement and joy. And even though we sat on our special secret for almost a week before telling anyone, it wasn't because we didn't want to share...we just couldn't hardly believe it. SO many tears, y'all. So many.

Being pregnant after loss isn't easy. I was afraid of being afraid, and was pleasantly and wonderfully surprised by the joy I've felt since those two lines appeared on that test. But every day, going to the restroom is a little nerve-wracking...every cramp and ache and pain (which I am SO THANKFUL FORRRR - pregnancy symptoms make me cry with joy) makes me nervous...and I do have a mental countdown in my head to the weeks gestation that I lost Jeremiah, and my one prayer is to get past that date. 

But as Josh reminded me the day after we found out about our Little Rainbow, this baby deserves the same joy and love that we had for Jeremiah. And now that we have lost a baby, we know even more how precious life truly is. So instead of waiting, and being afraid of what might happen, we are choosing to celebrate this life to the fullest for every single day we are blessed with him or her. And if that's for sixty years or sixty days, we're beyond thrilled and thankful. We are parents of two beautiful children, and we are grateful.


celebrating the life of Daniella Rapha - born into the arms of Jesus on July 28, 2017, at ten weeks.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am praying for you and Josh! Your two little ones are safely with their heavenly Father... waiting for you to come home.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your honesty inspires me, Liza. Your posts are beautiful and wonderful to read. Praying for you everyday <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for writing about this... It is hard to share what one feels after something like this, and I only recently posted on my own blog about my miscarriage.

    ReplyDelete